Take 5 - Prelude to OBW

What is the difference between girls and woman aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

No Wonder They Booed You, Rooney!

LOSING THE FAITH ... Roo looks to the skies

DRAB, dreary, depressing, disjointed, at times desperate and, overall, dull as ditchwater.

Thanks, England.

No wonder you were booed off the pitch by your own fans last night.

And now we have to beat Slovenia in Port Elizabeth on Wednesday to ensure we do not return home as the sick joke of international football.

So much for the glory of the Premier League 'product' and the squillions of pounds sloshing around in it.

So much for the Big Four Champions League heavyweights. And to think that after this crop of players, the cupboard is almost bare.

And we had thought the World Cup had come to life.

Well, you always know who you can rely on to bring things crashing back down to earth.

Steven Gerrard had said it was time to join the party. So England promptly blew out the candles.

On Fabio Capello's 64th birthday.

When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now, will you still be sending me a valentine, birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

Probably not.

Yes, they cranked it up for a while in the second half when the Algerians tired but, in the end, they had neither the guile nor ingenuity to get the one goal that would have got them off the hook.

And they wouldn't have deserved it, either.

And to think the day had started so well with the defeat of the Germans.

By the end of it, England were staring down a barrel after a performance that had Capello and everyone else connected with the national team tearing their hair out.

And what has happened to Wayne Rooney?

This was the bloke who was supposed to take the World Cup by the scruff of its neck. Instead, he - like England - is hanging on to its shirt-tails.

A few months ago, Rooney was setting the Premier League ablaze.

Now the fire is out.

It was incredible to watch a player of such talent make so many elementary errors.

And he compounded it all at the end by saying sarcastically to TV as he came off: "It's nice to see your home fans booing you."

Well, what did he expect after another World Cup failure that took us back to 2006 where we stank the place out?

What did he expect from fans who had paid good money to come out to South Africa to follow their team?

Only to be rewarded with this rubbish.

Yet the men around him were not much better. And still no sight of Joe Cole.

Instead, when Aaron Lennon was replaced, we had Shaun Wright-Phillips again.

And when Emile Heskey went, we got Jermain Defoe.

And then Peter Crouch for Gareth Barry.

Cole must have done something seriously wrong we don't know about to upset Capello.

And what gets into Frank Lampard in games like this?

A colossus for Chelsea, he seems to shrink when he puts on an England shirt. And all this against an Algerian side rated a modest 30th in the world.

An Algeria playing their first World Cup since 1986 courtesy of beating Egypt in a play-off.

An Algeria who had gone into the game on the back of a disastrous run in which they had lost five of their six warm-up matches.

An Algeria who, in this spell, had conceded 12 goals and scored just one - a penalty in their only victory, a 1-0 win over UAE.

An Algeria who boasted 'household' names like Rangers' Madjid Bougherra, once of Crewe, and relegated Portsmouth's Nadir Belhadj and Hassan Yebda.

And others from Slavia Sofia, Nacional Madeira, Sochaux, Bochum and Valenciennes.

And an Algeria who shamed the so-called cream of the Premier League.

What are the England fans to make of it all?

They had been warming up all day down at the cafes and bars with vast expectations of what England might do later in the evening.

They had congregated in their thousands round Mitchell's Waterfront Tavern where a huge screen relayed Germany's match with Serbia.

When the Serbians scored, the roar could almost have been heard back in Blighty.

So the 30,000 or so supporters were in full and magnificent voice as they belted out the national anthem.

Throw in the locals who were supporting the Mother Country and no nation has had more fans behind them - twice as many as had made it up north to Rustenburg.

We could have been at Wembley.

Now we just needed the performance to go with it. But it was desperately poor from the outset.

Rooney and Lampard needlessly gave the ball away, David James struggled under a high cross and Glen Johnson miskicked his clearance in the box.

Then Lampard fluffed an attempted through ball to Heskey while a shot from Gerrard (left) spiralled some 15ft over the bar.

It was actually getting worse. And this from a team that are known for strong starts to either half.

As for James, every time the ball went anywhere near him there were anxious intakes of breath.

Algeria were now running large chunks of the game and looking more likely to score.

With nothing coming from the England midfield, Rooney was forcedto come deeper and deeper so further diminishing what little threat there was in front of goal.

The close-ups of the faces of the England fans in the 64,000 crowd told its own story.

It was already looking like being a long night - especially whenever classy Karim Ziani got on the ball.

So we came to half-time with only a 12-yard Lampard shot pounced on by Rais M'Bolhi to briefly raise hopes.

And 55 per cent possession to Algeria.

Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

And it didn't get all that much better after the break.

So now we are left to reflect on the sign on the wall of the Green Point Stadium entrance.

Go strong or go home.

England have one last chance.

STEVEN HOWARD - Chief sports writer

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk

_________

It was well and honestly written by Howard and I am sure those football fans who supported England must be wondering what has happened to their footballing heroes. Are we seeing Fab Flops..? dear of dear!

Amanat Bill Gates

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world. Here goes:

Rule 1: Life is not fair- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: you will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until your earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest form the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winner and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING n real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

The 'Future is in your hand, hold it gently'

A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some idiot stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit, Broken hearted
Tried to shit, But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,

You're lucky, You had your chance,
I tried to fart, And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here, To shit and stink,
But all I do, Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink,
But I comehere to scratch my balls, And read the bullshit on the walls....

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space...written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please! You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson...Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly!

--------
from Free Malaysia Today

Tokonang Den (13)

BEHOLD. Come June 11, it is the time again for all football fanatics throughout the world to enjoy and cherish - a month full of top class football matches. All eyes will surely focus on South Africa where the greatest show on earth is about to begin - where those with the footballing skills will unleash their talents in search of glory...and of course fame and wealth! Never mind the fact that this World Cup tournament will be without Ferdinand or Ballack or Ruben or Drogba? guys who will not make it to Johannesburg.

World Cup tournament though brings back this memory of my yesteryears in Tiger Lane. The one that I shall not forget.

The year was 1974 and West Germany was the host nation of the 10th. World Cup. England already out of the contention and didnot qualify for West Germany.... and that already killed off my interest of the World Cup. But the article that I read in the paper over the weekend, rekindled and ignited whatever little interest that I have on the World Cup. It was an article on Holland and their so called 'total football' - and of course.., their superstar.. Johan Cruyff. Of course there were other 'stars' of WC 74 - such as the likes of Franz Beckenbauer, Johann Nesken, Gerd Muller and Paul Breitner. But my interest was more on Cruyff and Holland 's total football!

What prompted me that night was something beyond explanation. But then I had already made up my mind and I stood by my plan. So that nite after prep, quietly I sneaked to the servant quarters to watch Holland playing Sweden. Without prior arrangement, without any hint nor signal and little concern whether I might be disturbing him, I knocked on Hassan's house - aah.! . thank God, reluctantly, he let me in. But I was lucky then for Hassan also wanted to watch the game! We did not talk much though and were totally glued to the box (could it be other reasond as well? I hope not!). The game was okay and ended in a scoreless draw. But, as reported and predicted, Cruyff was having a great game, really outstanding., the real maestro .. the Dutch master!

It was way past midnight when the game ended and after thanking Hassan, as I made my way back to the hostel, out of nowhere, came this car. It was none other than the one driven by the Principal himself - Pak Ya (Yahya Shafie). I was stunned but didnot panick though. When he asked me, I answered him in my stammering voice, that I just came back from the servant quarters watching football i.e the world cup. I expected him to get out from the car and gave me his famous 'penyepak'. But, thank God no he did not. I guessed he must be up to something extra, a bigger agenda than mine and more important perhaps for he simply instructed and shoved me to see him first thing tomorrow morning.

I could not sleep well that night. Worry about my fate and the agony of having to bear the shame of being slept by Pak Ya.., would he be calling a special assembly to punish me? could he ..., aaah! What musibah have I landed to, I was cursing myself to sleep. How I wish then that tomorrow never came or I was away in a faraway land! Solemnly though I promised myself then that should I escaped from getting Pak Ya's famous 'treatment', I will recite the surah yassin thrice!

Friday morning and without telling anyone, I headed for the Principal's room. Pak Lau was already there outside Pak Ya's room. I thought he was there because of my case. So I was quite shocked and surprised when he asked me as to why I was there! Pak Lau went in when he was summoned by Pak Ya and when he came out, he told me that I was to be sent to the Detention Class for 2 days beginning Saturday. I could not believed my luck and could have jumped for joy and peluk Pak Lau! But luckily I didnot!! Simply a big thank 'you Sir.' to Pak Lau.

That weekend was the first time ever I spent my Saturday and Sunday in a detention class! But a well worth punishment I should say!

Learning math in schools

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

“One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”
“Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
“Three and three… ”

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.
His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny’s mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, “Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.”

From: Funnyflux.com

'Tahniah STAR' Dinner

I was in Ipoh last night. Together with Azlan and Yahya Daud alias Wahab and Fathil Sharif, playing host on behalf of STAROBA to a group of athletes from the school who had done us, STAROBAns, STAR and parents, proud. In the recent concluded athletics meet in stadium Perak for the Zone Kinta Utara, they were declared the champion in the boys team event. Dinner was held in Hotel Impiana (the old Casuarina).

We assembled at Fathil's place and left for Ipoh around 440 pm, having assured ourselves that we would be in Ipoh by maghrib. InsyaAllah!. Apart from the slight jammed in Subang Jaya, journey was 'smooth and relax' and easy. Being the co-pilot, Azlan has no choice but to play DJ through out the journey. Azlan performed remarkably well! With his many repertoire of jokes, yeah.., who cares about HotFM or Era Radio or Radio Sinar! And the three of us, we were keen listeners! Lan., you rock! We arrived in Ipoh at 730 pm as scheduled.

Dinner however, started slightly late - at almost 930. There was this unforseen things happening that has to be resolved first. Biasa lah! There were about 30 of them excluding teachers.You could tell then that the boys were really starving! Azlan in his opening address expressed his appreciation and conveyed STAROBA's gratitude on the achievement and acknowledged the effort put up by everyone involved in sports. Yahya during his speech, expressed out his burning desire (together and with the help of the school) to unleash and groom STAR hidden talents, in the quest to bring back the glory days of STAR in athletics!. It was almost 1130 pm when dinner was finally over.

We dropped Yahya at Bukit Beruntung toll station on the way down and three of us safely arrived in KL around 245 am.

As I drove home from USJ Subang Jaya, I could not help but admiring the effort, and energy that Yahya had put up to lift the standard of athletics in STAR. Having to spend one's time, almost daily for 2 1/2 hours, travelling all the way from Telok Intan, starting at 450 pm and arrived home at 9 pm, is one hell of an effort!. What a sacrifice! What a commitment! He did it simply for the love of the sports and his beloved alma mater. As Yahya said it in his dinner speech, ..'at the age of 57, I should have been spending more time praying at home! but...' I wonder how things would have been if Yahya had been the school principal , not in Perlis but in Ipoh.

Anyway, well done boys. Well done STAR. Keep up the good work. As Azlan said it .., Tahniah STAR, teruskan usaha! Of course they can. Yes, we can!